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You And Your Sick Day
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love developed a sniffle one day recently and called out sick. Of course, doting co-workers were alarmed and wished Your Peach Parfait a speedy recovery filled with hot fluids and warm blankets. A retreat to the couch is in order. What does one do? Perhaps there'll be some napping, followed by a brief nap, then some intermittent napping. In between one does what kids young and old have done every sick day since Timmy and Lassie felt a bit under the weather: watch bits of daytime TV. The best part about it is that since you're planning to nap now and then you don't have to know the shows or the characters. You can play TV Roulette and never lose.
 
Two minutes: Guiding Light. Your Crème Broulee woke up to hear some drab-looking people talking about one another and was confused to find it wasn't CNN. This soap opera looks like it was designed around a Cloth Coat Aesthetic by people who've never met anyone interesting but will claim they have at church socials.
 
Twenty minutes: Matlock. Blame it on the NyQuil but Your Ice Cream Sundae didn't notice the shoulder pads for fifteen minutes, and mocking them seemed futility itself.
 
One hour: Starting Over. This emotionally overwrought train wreck ought to be prescribed as a cure for loneliness. After an hour of this, you won't want to discuss your feelings with another human being. The producers have never met a troubled person they couldn't commercially exploit or a personal boundary they didn't mind trampling. It's vile. You'll be hopping off the couch in self-defense.
 
A Vonage commercial made Your Toasted Almost Popsicle laugh out loud. It's impossible to describe accurately, but the series of commercials features home video of people doing human tricks. This one involves spinning-spinning, a footrace and the broad side of a shed. Bon appetit!
 
One thing you can do during a sick day is write thank you letters. People give you presents; in exchange, you can send your admirers cards hinting at your rapture and gratitude. And the writing of these cards won't interfere with your chemically regulated sleep schedule. See?
 
You:
Dear Grandpa,
 
You:
Zzzzzzzz.
 
You:
Thank you for the lovely socks. They are quite fuzzy and will
 
You:
Zzzzzzzz.
 
You:
keep my feet warm in my over-air-conditioned office. I will think of you everyday! Love,
 
You:
Zzzzzzzz.
 
Do not attempt this with a felt tipped pen or your neat note will include artistic sun-shaped bleed marks that will confuse your adoring but nearly blind relatives.
 
Your Chocolate Mousse is happy to report the fluids and sleep have done the trick and she's up and around. Does she owe you a thank you note? It's time to check your mail.
 

©2005 Robin Pastorio-Newman

All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.

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