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Rent-A-Redhead
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

[Editor's Note: we at Altrok would like to remind our readers that love - twue wuv - always triumphs, but especially when helped along by conveniently placed unionized trollops.
 
Narrator: Has this ever happened to you?
 
(We see a boy and girl holding hands. Large family weeps at the dinner table.)
 
Jewish Boy: But Mom, that's her real nose!
 
Jewish Mom: AGH! My heart!
 
Narr: Or this?
 
(Again, we see a boy and girl holding hands. Same actors, same dinner table, same weeping, just a little different.)
 
Moslem Girl: But Daddy, they're the People of the Book!
 
Moslem Dad: Where did I put that scimitar? Did I leave it in the garage?
 
Narr: For thousands of years, minor differences in ancestry and zip code have kept arms dealers wealthy and young lovers apart. Now romance doesn't have to end in tragic murder-suicide pacts or tacky tenement living. Your diversity-poster-perfect affair can blossom into a lifetime of happiness.
 
(At the last supper, Jesus introduces Mary Magdalene to his mother. Mom clutches her chest and sobs silently.)
 
Narr: At Rent A Redhead, we understand that introducing that special person to your parents and friends is fraught with danger, anxiety and potential bomb threats, but our system of trickery and outright lies eliminates heartbreak and disappointment with one phone call.
 
(Display a graph labeled Threat Assessment with two squirrelly lines, one going up, one headed downward labeled With Rent A Redhead.)
 
Narr: Your parents and friends don't know it yet, but they want you to settle down with someone nice, no matter how manner arms your beloved's deity has. Rent A Redhead encourages liberal and heterogeneous thinking by pointing out how bad your taste in men or women could be - because no one, no matter how steamed, wants their child or friend to fall for a hooker.
 
(Boy sits down at the table next to Redhead in fake animal print tube top. She grabs the turkey and swings it overhead like a disposable undergarment. Licks Grandpa's head. Humps dog.)
 
Narr: Our professional Redheads will scare your parents and friends so thoroughly -
 
(Family aghast, frozen. Boy smiling at the table, spike-heeled shoes and ankles of Redhead standing on table, obviously dancing.)
 
Boy:: Sweetie, couldja kick the mashed potatoes this way?
 
(Feet absent, serving bowl lands in Boy's hands.)
 
Boy: Isn't she SPECIAL?
 
(Mom faints.)
 
Narr: - so completely -
 
(Male Redhead grinds on stunned Grandma's lap.)
 
Girl: Daddy, I can't wait to have twelve babies with him.
 
Narr: - that after Rent A Redhead, you could date goats with impunity. We guarantee that with just one Rent A Redhead visit, your parents will pay you to marry your one true love.
 
(Red velvet wallpaper palace on an overcrowded old US highway near you. Elated bride and groom toast, nervous family, Rabbi and Imam glare at each other.)
 
Boy & Girl: Thank you, Rent A Redhead!
 
Narr: Try our subsidiary services, Borrow A Blonde and Brandish A Brunette! Happiness can be yours!
 

©2004 Robin Pastorio-Newman

All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.

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