for August 4, 2004
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Adventures in Adversity
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman
Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love embarked on a bit of a personal adventure this summer: orthodontia. It doesnít sound like much of a foray, but you can rest assured it is. If you had braces when you were greasy kid stuff or if youíve always had perfect choppers, good for you! Isnít life rosy when your smile lights up the world? Here, have a super crisp slightly green apple, and try not to break a tooth while the rest of us chat.
Everyoneís face changes with time, wear and tear. Some of that wear does more damage to our smiles than genetics. Whatever the cause, sometimes we find ourselves sitting in a waiting room full of restless pre-teens and their distracted parents, waiting our turn to have professionals stick sharp instruments into soft tissues unnervingly close to our brains. The waiting is followed by the actual sticking and prodding, during which you might think ĎSure, Iím gagging on giant orthodontist fingers around my molars, the piercing pain now radiating down my spine sucks on a staggering scale, and I now understand why cranky kids shoot up schools. But hell, in eighteen months Iíll have re-straightened teeth and a Greco-Roman wrestling hold on my spiteful inner child.í
Eighteen months, in the life of persons eternally 29, is a drop in the bucket, though a month of mouth soreness teaches one to appreciate Jell-O. While Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers, drug manufacturers and gym owners push exciting fat reduction programs, the adult orthodontia patient rapidly drops five pounds on the diet that drips from a straw. You think you can eat. You canít eat. You take a bite and try to nibble with teeth that donít hurt. After a few bites, you give up. Not that youíre hungry, because plenty of delicious things come in liquid form. Hollandaise sauce in a pint glass, for instance. Overcompensation aside, itís summer, and you go to barbecues because your friends offer to wire up backyard Cuisinarts and puree you some babybacks. Itís funny. You have to go. In point of fact, you eat spoonfuls of delicious seven-layer dip sans chips, knowing your digestive tract will hate that. You drink beer. You go home and stuff yourself with Advil LiquiGels.
You could be discouraged, but youíre not that kind of gal. When you break a nail, you cut the rest and round up your friends who bowl. Your teeth are the topic, so you revel in Discoveryís Shark Week. Youíre going crazy because flan looks like a main dish, but so what, there are new episodes of Mythbusters. Republicans gathered the signatures to get Ralph Nader on the Michigan ballot, so itís not you. Modern life is crazy. Might as well smile like you mean it.
©2004 Robin Pastorio-Newman
All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.
Today's NY/NJ Shows That Matter
Friday, August 23, 2019
Rufus Wainwright and The Rails at Grunin Center For The Arts, Ocean County College
Extreme at Starland Ballroom
Old Dominion at Stone Pony Summerstage
Surfer Blood and The Morgan Freemasons at The Saint
Spring Heeled Jack at Stanhope House
Matt Wade Band at Langosta Lounge
Little Vicious, Candy Cavity and Damn Jackals at Asbury Park Yacht Club
Muscians On A Mission presents Songwriters & Storytellers: Channeling Woodstock (Open Mic & Food Drive) at Monmouth Museum (6:30p)
The Marshall Tucker Band and The Bennett Brothers at Sony Hall
Karl Denson's Tiny Universe at Asbury Lanes
More NY/NJ Shows That Matter
ALTROK recommends music once a week; here's our most recent choices. Most links will take you to a place where you can buy the music; if there's no link, and you own a record company, consider releasing it yourself...
A Place To Bury Strangers - It Is Nothing
The Boxer Rebellion - Semi-Automatic
The Cribs - Cheat On Me
Datarock - True Stories
Everything Everything - Photoshop Handsome
HEALTH - Die Slow
Miles Hunt and Erica Nockalls - Catching More Than We Miss
Julian Plenti - Games For Days
Los Campesinos - The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Future (Free download!)
Miike Snow - Black & Blue
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