Nope. Nuh-uh.
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love is an eightish-year-old conceit, an imaginary opinionated dame who has never been rude to anyone accidentally. She is a character in my repertoire but she is not me, me being Rob Pastorio-Newman.
 
Recently, a dear friend took me to see the current play at the George Street Playhouse, A Wilderness of Mirrors, which featured high school renditions of reasonably complex characters in poorly written situations. While many theater-goers may have left satisfied, I left the building sputtering mad - again - wondering how the GSP gets away with presenting expensive, execrable productions year after year. However, the hospitality of the dear friend who took me to see the play cannot be overlooked. Thank you, Armen!
 
Now, Altrok readers, a few notes for real life. Feel free to jot such a list yourself and send it to fancypants@altrok.com.
 
Refrain: I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never get so trashed I don't notice the dwarf looking up my red vinyl miniskirt.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never forget to pay my bills for six months then fly off to Ecuador on vacation while my co-workers field phone calls from credit card companies asking if I've fled the country.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never accidentally dye my hair an Easter egg color.
 
Refrain: I'll never do that again!
 
I'll never defend a gorgeous psychopath when my friends tell me he's breaking into my car, stealing my stuff and carving his initials in my radials twice a week.
 
Refrain: No chance I'll do that again.
 
I'll never date a married man whose wife has my home address and outweighs me by a hundred pounds.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never get so angry with my boyfriend I throw my TV out a third floor window.
 
Refrain: I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never see a shrink who closely resembles a particularly annoying TV exercise instructor.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never again buy the on-sale super-cute ankle boots despite the four-inch heel and triangular toe that conflict with nature, gravity and my desire not to break my own nose.
 
Refrain: No. I will never do that again.
 
I'll never blunder along with an expert opinion after my learned friends offer hints, more hints and hints after that that I have no idea what I'm talking about.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never make physical observation jokes at home like "Rabbi Penis Nose" and "Reverend Hurricane Hair" that slip out smoothly and accidentally in public.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never get so caught up in dieting I eat chicken broth with a fork.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never have my lip waxed on my way into the mall.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never spend more on my hair in one month than I spend on food and rent.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never think it's cute that he just got out of prison.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never rent a hotel room on a volcano.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never eat the mushrooms because I'm more sober than the driver and we're still on the Turnpike.
 
Refrain: I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never have a best friend known to me only by an alias.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never drink a boy under a table and pass out on the floor during a religious retreat.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never pose nude where the cops can see me.
 
Refrain: No, I'll never do that again.
 
I'll never wriggle naked in a bathtub with other wriggling people and nobody notices the water's run out.
 
Refrain: Nope, I'll never do that again, either. Honest.
 

©2003 Robin Pastorio-Newman