Dishing the Tube
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

If you’re a Cablevision subscriber, you’ve noticed the channels recently reorganized and a few things went missing. Okay, that’s life, right? You may also have noticed that the wavy black screen that says "Future Home of Public Access" is still there, and still doesn’t resemble actual programming. A friend has the dish and the additional two hundred channels, some of which are really interesting. BBC America looks like great fun. You can see the shows U. S. networks are planning to steal next, but that’s not really the point. Essentially, a whole bunch of channels on both cable and satellite TV are simply recycling old stuff, and it’s a bore. Nobody asked, but there sure are more entertaining possibilities, aren’t there?
 
Unless Grandpa worked in the diamond district, yours is the first generation to find itself on surveillance cameras for five hours a day. It makes perfect sense that one day, some genius in a programming department will put up cameras and simply broadcast people standing in bus and train stations, so you can turn to channel 278, and see at a glance if your hubby’s really stuck at the depot or playing horsy at a riding academy on Route 1. Did your wife make that important bank deposit? Check today’s highlights on the bank channel. We can already see the Turnpike in front of Ikea on Metro Traffic and Weather. We can see Times Square on any number of news shows. Why not a whole channel of What People Are Really Wearing broadcast from outside the Woodbridge Mall for fashion designers to ponder? It’s fun, educational and your I’m With Stupid t-shirt makes you a star.
 
While that’s the cheapest programming imaginable, it’s also possible local and PBS stations -- hard-hit by federal budget cuts -- could simply draft us for programming duty. Selective Service might finally be good for something ... so long as everybody’s in it. What viewing area are you in? Perhaps your local station could call you up and demand you be entertaining for an hour a day for a month, then it’s someone else’s turn. Don’t kid yourself. Television is not for the weak. If you think your third grade teacher had it in for you, wait until you hear the howl of your neighbors on your lawn, insisting you finish that story about Uncle Mort, and it’d better be good.
 
Pitchforks and laser cannon aside, reporting for local access duty might be a really good thing for television viewers and television, not to mention your popularity. For one thing, involvement in the making of TV shows might educate viewers in the difficulties of making a really good series. For another thing, programmers might find out that almost anyone can do it, and that little bit of knowledge might be a very dangerous thing.
 

©2003 Robin Pastorio-Newman