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Music Savaged By The Average Beast






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for April 16, 2003


Faster Than A Speeding Mullet
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Bag Me: At Vintage Vinyl, Your Darling Your Diva, Your One True Love replaced a black, white and red casual Lassie lunchbox with a Misfits coffin model. At the counter, the clerk pointed to Lassie, "Thatís awesome." Your Chinese Pear thanked him but it had to go. "People see it and mistake me for a nice person."
 


Howling mad: A new commercial, possibly for the Toyota Sienna: itís a series of quick takes, fantasies children have. One child says, "If kids ruled the world Iíd get all 31 flavors." The closing shot is a girl of about eleven. Only Turkish prison guards are crueler than eleven year old girls, and no one wants this child holding the keys to his cell. Thin lipped and prim, she is placing headphones over her ears. Her parents look a little on the transported-by-the-music side. The girl says, "If kids ruled the world, Iíd never have to hear my parents sing Magnet And Steel again." Your Osage Orange had to lie down to laugh hard enough.
 



Shagadelic: Some radio stations wonít play the B-52ís for fear of hurting the figmentary sensitive feelings of our wussier compatriots, though the bandís name derives from bouffant wigs. How ironic then that American troops just found Saddam Husseinís desert love shack.
 



Behold the power of cheese: New spring tops show a more back than winter turtlenecks. Twice in one day, someone grabbed the care tag of Your Pomegranateís red shirt and asked if the tattoo was new. One lady, edging toward the legal retirement age, described in great detail the tats of her daughters and daughters-in-law. By the end of the list, it seemed like she might break down and show us the battleship.
 



This weekendís cleaning music: Fugazi (Red Medicine) and Frank Sinatra.
 



That Fourth Horsemanís Riding Side-Saddle: Youíre watching Spongebob Squarepants with your brighter nieces and nephews. A band is playing. You recognize the voice but the context is, like, way wrong. Itís...Itís LUX INTERIOR! You immediately regret that lost college weekend where you passed out and your "friends" say you absolutely positively did NOT eat the brown acid.
 



Conversational Flemish: TLCís new show Faking It pits ordinary people in a three-week throw-down against their boundary issues and expert judges. A Milwaukee beer-guzzler tries to become a wine sommalier. A race car driver tries his hand at flaming drag. It makes a person wonder. And wonder. And wonder. Finally, you might have this chat with your best girlfriend.
 
You: (breathlessly) Iíve been thinking about it and thinking about it. What could I be? I mean, I do everything I like doing, and perfectly, I might add so what could I be? Maybe a child daycare provider but I hate children in angry little mobs and someone would ring up DYFS so thatís no good. Or how about a cake decorator? I wouldnít mind working in an edible medium again, but I donít know. Ooooh! How about a stewardess? I canít wear heels but I love inflatable staircases but I can just hear myself saying, "Damn it! Get your own freaking peanuts! Your arms arenít broken!" So thatís no good but I finally figured it out. I finally thought of the thing I could try that nobody else would! Isnít that great?
 
GF: (patiently) And what is it you could fake being?
 
You: BELGIAN!
 
GF: (finally interested) Would you be a Waloon?
 



Cuts You Up: Last week, Your Mandarin Orangeís office was declared a no-headphones zone, which is to say that no music will play, and if it does, no one may listen. This is the same office Your Kiwi shares with one of David Lowryís aunties, the mother of Matte Witteís manager and mutual friends of George Is Dead. One co-worker threatens to retire and in the next breath recounts stories of Fridayís Brooks & Dunn concert. No music? Headphones were deemed "unprofessional," though everyone knows lawyers, brokers and computer professionals are the financial mainstays of internet music sources. Puzzling; not to mention that headphones tether our attention-span impaired counterparts to desks they might suddenly bolt from and be jerked back to. This is how the workforce concentrates on a task now, which is a radically different way to be than even ten years ago. Alas, in an age when thinking your own thoughts on company time can be considered stealing, one human step forward can appear from the outside to be a spastic hokey pokey.
 

©2003 Robin Pastorio-Newman

All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.

 







Today's NY/NJ Shows That Matter

Friday, August 23, 2019
 
Rufus Wainwright and The Rails at Grunin Center For The Arts, Ocean County College
 
Extreme at Starland Ballroom
 
Old Dominion at Stone Pony Summerstage
 
Surfer Blood and The Morgan Freemasons at The Saint
 
Spring Heeled Jack at Stanhope House
 
Matt Wade Band at Langosta Lounge
 
Little Vicious, Candy Cavity and Damn Jackals at Asbury Park Yacht Club
 
Muscians On A Mission presents Songwriters & Storytellers: Channeling Woodstock (Open Mic & Food Drive) at Monmouth Museum (6:30p)
 
The Marshall Tucker Band and The Bennett Brothers at Sony Hall
 
Karl Denson's Tiny Universe at Asbury Lanes
 
 
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ALTROK Ordinals

ALTROK recommends music once a week; here's our most recent choices. Most links will take you to a place where you can buy the music; if there's no link, and you own a record company, consider releasing it yourself...

A Place To Bury Strangers - It Is Nothing
 
The Boxer Rebellion - Semi-Automatic
 
The Cribs - Cheat On Me
 
Datarock - True Stories
 
Everything Everything - Photoshop Handsome
 
HEALTH - Die Slow
 
Miles Hunt and Erica Nockalls - Catching More Than We Miss
 
Julian Plenti - Games For Days
 
Los Campesinos - The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Future (Free download!)
 
Miike Snow - Black & Blue
 



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