for April 16, 2003
Faster Than A Speeding Mullet
Bag Me: At Vintage Vinyl, Your Darling Your Diva, Your
One True Love replaced a black, white and red casual
Lassie lunchbox with a Misfits coffin model. At the
counter, the clerk pointed to Lassie, "Thatís
awesome." Your Chinese Pear thanked him but it had to
go. "People see it and mistake me for a nice person."
Howling mad: A new commercial, possibly for the Toyota
Sienna: itís a series of quick takes, fantasies
children have. One child says, "If kids ruled the
world Iíd get all 31 flavors." The closing shot is a
girl of about eleven. Only Turkish prison guards are
crueler than eleven year old girls, and no one wants this child holding the keys to his cell. Thin lipped
and prim, she is placing headphones over her ears. Her
parents look a little on the transported-by-the-music
side. The girl says, "If kids ruled the world, Iíd
never have to hear my parents sing Magnet And Steel
again." Your Osage Orange had to lie down to laugh
Shagadelic: Some radio stations wonít play the B-52ís
for fear of hurting the figmentary sensitive feelings
of our wussier compatriots, though the bandís name
derives from bouffant wigs. How ironic then that
American troops just found Saddam Husseinís desert love shack.
Behold the power of cheese: New spring tops show a
more back than winter turtlenecks. Twice in one day,
someone grabbed the care tag of Your Pomegranateís red
shirt and asked if the tattoo was new. One lady,
edging toward the legal retirement age, described in
great detail the tats of her daughters and
daughters-in-law. By the end of the list, it seemed
like she might break down and show us the battleship.
This weekendís cleaning music: Fugazi (Red Medicine)
and Frank Sinatra.
That Fourth Horsemanís Riding Side-Saddle: Youíre
watching Spongebob Squarepants with your brighter
nieces and nephews. A band is playing. You recognize
the voice but the context is, like, way wrong.
Itís...Itís LUX INTERIOR! You immediately regret that
lost college weekend where you passed out and your
"friends" say you absolutely positively did NOT eat
the brown acid.
Conversational Flemish: TLCís new show Faking It pits
ordinary people in a three-week throw-down against
their boundary issues and expert judges. A Milwaukee
beer-guzzler tries to become a wine sommalier. A race
car driver tries his hand at flaming drag. It makes a
person wonder. And wonder. And wonder. Finally, you
might have this chat with your best girlfriend.
Cuts You Up: Last week, Your Mandarin Orangeís office
was declared a no-headphones zone, which is to say
that no music will play, and if it does, no one may
listen. This is the same office Your Kiwi shares with
one of David Lowryís aunties, the mother of Matte
Witteís manager and mutual friends of George Is Dead.
One co-worker threatens to retire and in the next
breath recounts stories of Fridayís Brooks & Dunn
concert. No music? Headphones were deemed
"unprofessional," though everyone knows lawyers,
brokers and computer professionals are the financial
mainstays of internet music sources. Puzzling; not to
mention that headphones tether our attention-span
impaired counterparts to desks they might suddenly
bolt from and be jerked back to. This is how the
workforce concentrates on a task now, which is a
radically different way to be than even ten years ago.
Alas, in an age when thinking your own thoughts on
company time can be considered stealing, one human
step forward can appear from the outside to be a
spastic hokey pokey.
©2003 Robin Pastorio-Newman
All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.
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