for March 26, 2003
Celine Mean Fighting Machine
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman
Ever walk through a store, carefully choosing your purchases, and hear
music that causes you genuine physical pain? It can happen anywhere.
Somewhere on Route 35 there's a hobby shop where one can find model ship
parts small enough to merit microscopic examination while A-Ha's Take On
Me plays on the radio and middle aged bikers say things like, "Dude,
this is my five hundredth Panzer unit." Startling. Interesting. One
wonders what kind of woman waits at home to Endust around that nice
round number of miniature German war machines, but at least the hubby's
not assembling pipe bombs.
Maybe. Rockets were in the next aisle.
More unnerving might be standing at the ladies' scarf counter at
Nordstrom, choosing exotic reading glasses. This set up, if one has
never worn glasses and now suddenly could sorta kinda possibly enjoy
the benefits of magnification, scares a gal senseless. This is not one of
the most rational moments in a glamorous career. It is at this instant
that suddenly the piano music sounds familiar. Wait, that's ... it can't be.
It is. The tuxedoed gentleman at the grand piano on the ground floor at
Nordstrom is genteelly playing the howling guitar solo from Stairway to
Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love planted her face on the
squeaky clean glass counter and laughed until the clean was less
squeaky, while the saleswoman considered calling paramedics.
Perhaps a week ago, the - pardon moi! - tail end of a car commercial
caught Your 100% Cashmere's attention. Celine Dion again, drat. What's
she singing? But then it was gone, and did not reappear until last
weekend, when, there it was. Celine was singing Cyndi Lauper's I Drove All
Night. For a moment, it was easier to think: 'This is a hallucination,
my brain has short-circuited, and will now deliver my worst nightmares
one at a time, starting with this horror. Green Jell-O and empire
waistlines must follow.' When lime gelatin and breath-constricting
garments were not inexplicably applied to Your Wool Blend's person, she
faced facts. She had to ask the question, and hear the answer. Yes,
Celine had recorded the song. This revelation inspired a four-Excedrin
It is no secret that Celine turns Your Angora's delicate stomach,
but this is too much. Unless someone backed an armored car up to Cyndi's
house and dumped the contents through a window, what could possibly
compensate for this indignity? Cyndi Lauper is an original, a wise and
wacky, opera-singing misfit from Queens. There's nothing new about
corporate cover girl Celine Dion, and this cover song is an insult to
those of us who never traded in our Docs for Espadrilles. It's painful to watch
one's heroes' accomplishments ground into so much Lite Music mush.
Sadly, as the music business consumes itself, we should expect more of
©2003 Robin Pastorio-Newman
All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.
Today's NY/NJ Shows That Matter
Sunday, June 16, 2019
The End of America and Cold Weather Company at City Winery Loft
Wu-Tang Clan: 36 Chambers 25th Anniversary Celebration Tour at Ford Amphitheater at Coney Island Boardwalk, Bklyn
John Doe & Chris Stein (Talking Punk Rock & Books) at City Winery Loft
Levy & The Oaks and Bottled Blonde at Asbury Park Yacht Club
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ALTROK recommends music once a week; here's our most recent choices. Most links will take you to a place where you can buy the music; if there's no link, and you own a record company, consider releasing it yourself...
A Place To Bury Strangers - It Is Nothing
The Boxer Rebellion - Semi-Automatic
The Cribs - Cheat On Me
Datarock - True Stories
Everything Everything - Photoshop Handsome
HEALTH - Die Slow
Miles Hunt and Erica Nockalls - Catching More Than We Miss
Julian Plenti - Games For Days
Los Campesinos - The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Future (Free download!)
Miike Snow - Black & Blue
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