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for November 6, 2002

An Evening's Entertainment
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love and her constant companion, the colorful Paulie Gonzalez, took in Michael Moore's new film Bowling For Columbine. Buckets of popcorn and innocent bystanders were harmed in the making of this synopsis.
Diva: My beloved, Michael Moore's website says the movie's supposed to make you angry, but I do think you might quit cleaning your gun while we chat. Michael Moore's not anti-gun. The movie's not anti-gun. It's anti-stupid and -fearful.
Paulie G: Does he say it should make you angry because he is a fat-slob hippie communist?He makes points about how most Americans are cowardly white suburbanites who don't need guns. I agree with that. Then he attacks the media about their exploitation of the public's paranoia and violent fascination. I still agree. He pisses me off when he uses the media and the public fear to blackball an innocent corporation. He's a loudmouth example of the stupid and fearful people he's trying to make fun of.
Diva: Dahhhhhhhling! An innocent corporation? That's as riotous as when he proved Canadians were more secure in their gun ownership by marching from Canadian door to door and finding each door unlocked. In the middle of Bowling For Columbine, a cartoon demonstrated the history of white people vis a vis guns had a great deal to do with religious and social inscurity. I distinctly heard you giggle. But, you know, like a bad, bad man.
Paulie G: Sure I laughed. I thought that was great. I can't believe nobody shot him and stole his sneakers. He wears nice sneakers too. Finely crafted by Chinese slave-children. He forgot to follow up by walking up to an American door and showing the difference. Maybe he'll jiggle my double-locked door. I will gladly open up and pummel his hypocrite ass while my neighbors turn up the TV and ignore terrible screams in the hallway. The cartoon was great. I agree again. And with another "I agree" I am well on my way to winning this argument. We are playing "strip-journalism" right?
Diva: ...And you're down to a single sock. Bowling For Columbine opens with Michael Moore walking into a bank that gives out guns to customers opening new accounts and moves into Moore's own marksmanship and NRA membership. He's not anti-gun. Viewers see Chris Rock discuss how guns shouldn't be controlled but bullets should costs a mint. Later, Matt Stone talks about how his alma mater Columbine High really blew, but if those kids had held out a few months longer, real life could've been cooler than high school. There's a whole segment about how the shooters at Columbine went bowling, then shot up the school - as if bowling were as much at fault for what'd happened as anything. It's all the theater of the absurd, my sweet.
Paulie G: I agree! Here's my tube-sock. Moore makes so many points I want to agree with. I want to say "He speaks for me, this reasonable fat slob." But the biggest images in the movie contradict his own statements. The American public is stupid. He made a movie that requires an interpeter for the easily swayed. Most people will leave the movie feeling that KMart and bad actors kill children as a direct result of capitalism.
Diva: My adorable one, Mr. Moore so clearly speaks for himself! And speaking of speaking for oneself, how bizarre was it when we laughed alone in a theater full of people who thought politics should only be discussed in serious tones?
Paulie G: How do you stay so slim and sexy?
Diva: A vigorous thinking regimen. But that's not important right now. What is significant is that Moore dropped the ball when he finally interviewed Chartlon Heston, figurehead leader of the NRA, about his perplexing and ridiculous appearances where children had just shot one another. I mean, if I were to go out on tour for the NRA, I might appear at the opposite corners of the continent from where the populace wore funeral garb.
Paulie G: Doesn't my complete nakedness distract you one bit!
Diva: I can't take my eyes off your badoliero.
Paulie G: I think the reason we were the only people laughing was because the small audience consisted of fascists who expected to see an expose on the evil that guns do. Just as the audience we were accompianed by missed the obvious humor of the state of American insanity, I fear they easily misinterpeted the gesture made near the closing of the movie. After Moore gave Heston a chance to look good, the moron Heston made an ass of himself, fittingly. I am sure they viewed Moore's attack on Heston as a direct accusation for the death of that little girl. Obvious to you and I, was Moore's disgust for an NRA meeting held just a week after the death of a 6 year old girl by the hand of another 6 year old. Heston is a complete idiot. I wonder what side he is on. Personally, I would love to see guns taken out of the hands of the average American.
Diva: Absolutely, darling. More for you.
Paulie G: I'm glad you agree. Now you're down to your last fishnet. -no, don't take it off. I'll open a bottle of wine, get the gun oil, and lay out the twister board. You can show me the proper way to clean out my six-shooter.
Diva: Sounds like a Saturday night! As free speech nuts, we agree to disagree about Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine. And there goes that fishnet.

©2002 Robin Pastorio-Newman

All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.


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