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Music Savaged By The Average Beast






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for July 24, 2002


"Consequences, Shmonsequences ... As Long As I'm Rich."
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Recently, on the Discovery Channel's "Great Chefs", a personality-deficient gourmet prepared Steak and Lobster Roulade garnished with shoestring potatoes. Chef quickly seared the steak on all four sides, explaining the dish functioned best with a medium to medium rare doneness. A minute later, Chef sliced the steak on the bias, revealing red, cool meat perhaps closer to tartare than roulade. Great Chef's dispassionate narrator intoned, "It's obvious that - like beauty - medium rare is in the eye of the beholder."
 
As the Monday morning migration of coeds in intramural lacrosse sweats signals the end of weekend in a college town, so the new baby song signals the end of a rock star's sex&drugs&rock'n'roll career. Bruce Springsteen's new singles mention his children. While the Boss still sounds like the Boss, he's capitulated to the demands of babysitters, kindergarten and Mommy & Me. This raises an interesting question: is there a place for the family in rock music?
 
Over the weekend, Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love and a merry band of compatriots took a road trip from New Brunswick to Upstate New York, a few hundred miles in which to monitor the culture. This is harder than you might think with a car full of men and women between the ages of 25 and 40. We couldn't even agree that we all hated Morrissey. If you can imagine.
 
We did agree on a loathsome list of domesticated new baby classic rock-cum-easy listening songs. So to speak. Note that these songs brought a gentle tear to the eyes of your grandparents. Brace yourselves:
 
"Danny's Song" by Kenny Loggins: Dear God, a fitting punishment for this syrupy goo never crossed the mind of Torquemada.
 
"Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon: Let us be grateful this child wasn't triplets. ("Hey Jude" was someone else's a pep talk with John's other, neglected kid.)
 
"This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush: Pregnancy may be more melodic than swollen ankles and morning sickness. Who knew?
 
"Forever Young" by Rod Stewart: Vomitrocious.
 
"You're Having My Baby" by Paul Anka: Truly one of most nauseating ditties ever composed, and let's not get started on that possessive pronoun problem.
 
At this yak-inducing point, we changed the subject, swallowed fistfuls of Pepto and switched to a Salsa station since none of us spoke Spanish.
 
At least the still-amusing-but-so-sucktastic Steven Tyler never regaled us with the singular wonders of the youthful Liv, and "Janie's Got A Gun" sounds by comparison with the above like the ballad of an enterprising lass with a steady trigger finger.
 
Rock and roll is hedonism, love and bitterness, politics, and mostly self-involved. Music is the soundtrack of your life. Some lives include kids. But Rock isn't about consequences - that's country music. Maybe if you're a rock star with an itch to extoll the virtues of Kindercare, it might be time to get a gun permit and a dawg.
 

©2002 Robin Pastorio-Newman

All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.

 







Today's NY/NJ Shows That Matter

Sunday, October 21, 2018
 
Steely Dan (performing popular demand requests) at Beacon Theatre
 
The Coronas at Underground Arts, Philly
 
Sonny Landreth at City Winery
 
The Vapors at Mercury Lounge
 
Sebastian Bach at Gramercy Theater
 
A Conversation with John Cusack (Say Anything screening) at Count Basie Center For The Arts (NEW DATE)
 
Arlan Feiles and Keith McCarthy at Langosta Lounge (1p)
 
 
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ALTROK recommends music once a week; here's our most recent choices. Most links will take you to a place where you can buy the music; if there's no link, and you own a record company, consider releasing it yourself...

A Place To Bury Strangers - It Is Nothing
 
The Boxer Rebellion - Semi-Automatic
 
The Cribs - Cheat On Me
 
Datarock - True Stories
 
Everything Everything - Photoshop Handsome
 
HEALTH - Die Slow
 
Miles Hunt and Erica Nockalls - Catching More Than We Miss
 
Julian Plenti - Games For Days
 
Los Campesinos - The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Future (Free download!)
 
Miike Snow - Black & Blue
 



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