Diva Before Glass
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman
Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love fell terribly ill over the
weekend and stayed home. Bartenders everywhere looked across dark dance
floors, hoping in vain that a sudden turn in Your April Freshness’s
condition might bring her back to her natural habitat. But no! Thinking
only of Altrok readers, she propped herself up on couch cushions and
monitored the culture.
Of all unpredictable developments, Your Anitbacterial Action loves a
commercial. It’s Sprint PCS’s depiction of static causing a wife to
mistake her husband’s request for soup from a store for a soap opera
star. One wonders how to reward the writers and producers of this gem
while holding firm on the Cell-Phones-Were-Invented-By-the-Spanish-
Inquisition party line. Cat treats?
The Iron Chef competed against a Buddhist monk, both using Asian sweet
potatoes and providing unexpected mirth and horror. The Iron Chef was
handicapped by having to cook the sweet potatoes with French
techniques, which the champion invented as he went along. Your Improved
Softness wiped tears from her cheeks and coughed sweetly. What? Better
than this nonsense was the nonsense spoken by the commentators. If
stupidity can be raised to an art, Iron Chef’s three commentators are
the Pablo, Pablo and Picasso of the form.
Dee Dee Ramone’s death last week did not inspire the same widespread
grief Joey’s did. Sure, Joey died of cancer and Dee Dee didn’t, but
since when are we embarrassed that rock stars OD? If rock stars’ demises
mortify us, why is Michael Hutchence posthumously singing for
McDonald’s?
Tragically, the irrelevant VH1 Behind the Music subject was Rod Stewart,
one big reason Your Grease-Cutting Pine couldn’t wait for the seventies
to end. When asked if disco-era Rod Stewart sucked, and family-friendly
Rod was in fact a Biblical plague, a whopping 100% of non-English
speaking manicurists nodded disinterestedly and continued filing nails
to sharp point. Obviously, this significant demographic can be counted
upon to actively polish nails in arresting, luminous acrylics.
One thing’s for sure: television can make one feel queasy. Write a get
well card and Your More Lemony Flavor should be
twisting by the pool in a jiffy.
©2002 Robin Pastorio-Newman