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Music Savaged By The Average Beast

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for June 12, 2002

Diva Before Glass
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love fell terribly ill over the weekend and stayed home. Bartenders everywhere looked across dark dance floors, hoping in vain that a sudden turn in Your April Freshness’s condition might bring her back to her natural habitat. But no! Thinking only of Altrok readers, she propped herself up on couch cushions and monitored the culture.
Of all unpredictable developments, Your Anitbacterial Action loves a commercial. It’s Sprint PCS’s depiction of static causing a wife to mistake her husband’s request for soup from a store for a soap opera star. One wonders how to reward the writers and producers of this gem while holding firm on the Cell-Phones-Were-Invented-By-the-Spanish- Inquisition party line. Cat treats?
The Iron Chef competed against a Buddhist monk, both using Asian sweet potatoes and providing unexpected mirth and horror. The Iron Chef was handicapped by having to cook the sweet potatoes with French techniques, which the champion invented as he went along. Your Improved Softness wiped tears from her cheeks and coughed sweetly. What? Better than this nonsense was the nonsense spoken by the commentators. If stupidity can be raised to an art, Iron Chef’s three commentators are the Pablo, Pablo and Picasso of the form.
Dee Dee Ramone’s death last week did not inspire the same widespread grief Joey’s did. Sure, Joey died of cancer and Dee Dee didn’t, but since when are we embarrassed that rock stars OD? If rock stars’ demises mortify us, why is Michael Hutchence posthumously singing for McDonald’s?
Tragically, the irrelevant VH1 Behind the Music subject was Rod Stewart, one big reason Your Grease-Cutting Pine couldn’t wait for the seventies to end. When asked if disco-era Rod Stewart sucked, and family-friendly Rod was in fact a Biblical plague, a whopping 100% of non-English speaking manicurists nodded disinterestedly and continued filing nails to sharp point. Obviously, this significant demographic can be counted upon to actively polish nails in arresting, luminous acrylics.
One thing’s for sure: television can make one feel queasy. Write a get well card and Your More Lemony Flavor should be twisting by the pool in a jiffy.


©2002 Robin Pastorio-Newman

All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.


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