for May 1, 2002
The Real We're Keeping It
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman
Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love makes a startling
confession: this week, Your Parabola was distracted by objects more
matte than shiny. Shameful but true. Instead of basking in the sun at
Rutgers' Ag Field Day or the New Jersey Folk Festival, heckling awards
shows, zoning out at karaoke or rolling her eyes at uninspired guitar
bands in clubs, Your Right Angle helped a charming confrere move house.
Perhaps "helped" is too strong a word. Perhaps "sipped her drink
languidly and hinted, 'You missed a spot'" is more like it. Anyway, a
week's work done, and a week's events to brush up on.
Since we're being brutally honest, what in the world could be the lure
of ABC-TV's The Bachelor? The migraine-inducing concept: some guy, two dozen women, one
diamond ring. What self-respecting person would find anything valuable
in viewing, let alone participating? We all know dating blows like
Shamu, and filming this accomplishes ... what? You know what I mean: you
want a man who'll swim in the gene pool, no matter how shallow, or a
woman willing to efface herself on national television? Suppose - just
suppose - you're the last gal standing, and your guy's studly exploits
have been televised. Picture a wedding night where the attire's less
Victoria's Secret and more like a Jacques Cousteau special, with some
Teamsters-esque negotiating thrown in.
Hmm. Hmm. No.
On the other hand, rumor has it there's a NASA Channel, complete with
bespectacled scientists, chalkboards, brown ties. Your Radius can't wait
for a glimpse at the really smart people, for an earful of higher
mathematics. In a country that glorifies All Things Vacuous, geniuses
need their own cable channel. Think of the possibilities: game shows
where contestants calculate their own odds of winning! Fashion tips from
people who know their look is entirely irrelevant to problem-solving
ability. Sporting events where - wait, let's not finish that sentence.
Nerd stereotypes aside, the idea of a NASA Channel is very exciting.
Your z-axis loves to watch a skillful mind in motion,
and a chance to watch these minds work out how to make thinking sexy for
American audiences is almost too much to hope for. Off come the training
wheels! It's like the first time you read
Slashdot without the assistance of a brainy
Sometimes, it's hard to stay in the present moment. Who can keep her
mind on Yancy Butler kicking villains in the head when Spiderman debuts in theaters
Friday? Your Indefinable Pi loves surprises, refuses to engage in
speculation and maintains one's nerd credentials are in no way suspect
without plot gossip. What is the plot? Who is the star? Who generated
the effects? Are you kidding? Technology has advanced to the point where
Spiderman can look to audiences the way the comic book always looked to
fans on the mental movie screen. Instead of working yourself into a
lather (however steamy, luxurious, slippery and - uh, never mind), let
the film do it. It's a good bet: vivid colors, witty banter, improbable
villains, very special special effects. With a possibly lackluster Star
Wars episode nightmare looming over the summer, try going to the theater
with the attitude we should all adopt regarding music and television,
too: thrill me. Moviemakers, take me for a ride and scratch my itch for
something smart and funny and sexy and cool. Do it. I dare you.
©2002 Robin Pastorio-Newman
All material ©2001-2014 Sean Carolan, except as noted.
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