for July 25, 2001


Sing Whether Or Not You're Winning
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Just as music comes in zillions of forms, so too do musicians. Last week, ALTROK talked with Dennis Marmon, who works a day job to support his music habit. This week, Tami Yaches talks about the practical elements of giving up the life. Your Diva's often hilarious adventures in karaoke derive from jaunts with the One True Tami, a classically trained vocalist out to out-sing all Tami Pretenders and maintain a solid bottom line. Picture this conversation with sock puppets and slinkies.

ALTROK: What's a nice girl like you doing singing karaoke in South Bound Brook and that godforsaken North Jersey town I can't think of right this minute?

Tamovar: It's what you said, and in karaoke bars I can.

ALTROK: What's the karaoke lure? What's the big return on standing up in front of drunks with cheese platters? Any cash prizes or at least prize fellas on this circuit?

Das Taminator: The lure is that I can sing with an audience, without the pressure of knowing that they expect something from me. Well, at least at first it's like that. After you sing once, if you're gonna do it again, everybody expects you to be exactly the same. If you were good, they stare at you funny, and if you were bad, they stare at you funny, but a different funny. If you sucked on your first song, then got good, they look very confused.
Prizes? There's not really an prizes anymore, the well's pretty much dried up. It used to be a lure to go hear the singers compete, but now the only people left are the addicted singers and co-workers who want to avoid talking to each other at an after-work outing. I used to love the contests, because it was kinda like getting something for nothing; I was going out to sing anyway, why wouldn't I like 10/25/50 bucks for it? Really all they got me to do was drive farther to sing.

ALTROK: Did you ever consider a career in music? Will you at some point give up all this and sing for your supper? How far did you go with music?

Tamzilla: I was always too afraid to consider a career in music. Even on an egotistical day when I thought I was talented enough (which happens about 30% of the time), I was always conscious of the fact that there's no way I'm mainstream attractive enough to "make it." I thought about a career in the background but never had the nerve to pursue it. Chickened out.

ALTROK: How do you earn a living? Quit robbing banks yet? It's a nasty habit...

Der Tamissar: I'm a web developer for UPS. They pay me and I get to make web stuff.

ALTROK: What kinds of music do you listen to? Some guitar players wouldn't consider listening to anything without a guitar in it. Does your favorite music exclude stuff without interesting vocals? What would constitute interesting vocals?

TamiTamTam: To me, music is all about melody. You've pretty much hit the nail on the head with this question; if there isn't a voice or a section I can think of as the voice, it doesn't usually hold my interest. Even when there's a lovely violin playing a melody everyone recognizes, I still feel a little cheated that I don't get to hear the words. In my head, every song has lyrics.

ALTROK: Recently, a high schoool choir mommy shushed me, saying this was the last time she was going to hear her graduating daughter sing. That seemed crazy. I gave her the name of a sacred music choir in New Brunswick that sang for the Pope a few years ago. Do you feel you graduated high school and gave up serious vocal study, too? Do you believe I should have pointed out to the choir mommy that bars of ZEST have song-inducing properties?

Tamomentos: I studied briefly in college, but realized that I don't like choirs. I like singing choir music, but I don't like being assigned a "chair" and I don't like wearing robes...You see where that went.

ALTROK: I understand we were in the same comedy troupe at the same time, had the same friends and never really stopped making funny noises after the 4-track went the way of the dodo. Do you believe in coincidences?

Tampopo: Yes, I do. Just because I consider myself as having given up on making music doesn't mean I don't sing all the time. It just means I don't expect to pay me for it.

ALTROK: Say something funny, Tami.

Tammerary: Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it.



©2001 Robin Pastorio-Newman