Familiarity Breeds Irascibility
by Jeff Raspe

Okay, you've all probably run into these people too, maybe it's just because I still go to so many shows, but they're all really starting to bug me.

"WE GOT A BABYSITTER FOR THE NIGHT":
The people who've had kids but still like to think they're cool enough to get to a show every now and then. Which translates to maybe twice a month. You're not still cool enough to go out.

"WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP...OR DANCE"
We all know that white folks have no rhythm. Why it's so difficult I can't figure out. Most of rock doesn't stray too far away from standard 4/4 time. I'm a white guy. I have enough rhythm to keep time tapping my foot or head, but I know better than to try and dance. If you know you dance like Al Gore or Elaine Benes, why do you? The greatest example of this I ever saw first hand was a mid-80s show with The Pogues/Violent Femmes/Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper. I remember thinking to myself, "My god, can't any of you people hear the beat?!?"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING...MOVING IN?"
What exactly was so important for you to have at the show that you had to bring your damn luggage into the club? Why do people feel the need to bring their overstuffed backpacks and messenger bags to shows. If you came from work, leave the stuff in the office. If you drove to the show, leave it in the car. And for the love of all that is holy, remember that when it's on your back it sticks out much further than your ass and when you squeeze through a little space that damn bag of yours is hitting me in the chest!

"HOW'S THE WEATHER UP THERE?"
Maybe this is just a personal pet peeve because I'm vertically challenged, but if you're over 6 foot 3, please have the courtesy to stand in the back of the room and not right in front of me. Thank you.

"KING OF BEERS"
These are the guys who think they can still handle their beer the way they did in college. Even though that was 6 years ago. Let me tell ya, those 14 Buds have a bigger kick to them now that you drink 'em once every couple of weeks instead of every Friday and Saturday night. And don't forget, if it's a weeknight, you still have to be in your Wall Street office by 8:30 in the morning.

"IS THAT FREEDOM ROCK, MAN?"
You know these guys, they used to be "rockers", they used to get "really high, man" before every show they went to. Well, now they have real lives with real jobs and real wives and real kids. And they still think it's cool to get "really high, man" at the Steely Dan show. I'm sorry, but you really don't need to. And you're really gonna wish you hadn't on the drive home in your SUV when you suddenly get really tired and have the munchies...man.

"I'M SOOOOO ANGRY!!!"
Maybe this is just cuz I'm getting older and older, but exactly what are today's kids so damn angry about that they have to mosh and crowdsurf slamdance at every show. If it were a Clash show in Brixton circa 1977...okay. Husker Du at Maxwells in, say, 1984...okay. I actually saw people moshing (and getting very hurt) at Ned's Atomic Dustbin's last NYC show several years ago. And the band weren't even on yet!!! It was during the classical string piece that they used to come on stage to!!! What are they so angry about??? They just borrowed daddy's Lexus and drove in from the Island!!! Calm down dammit!!

Eh, maybe I'm just a jaded old sod...

©2001 Jeff Raspe